Cultural Diplomatic Immunity

Sometimes when traveling or living overseas it's difficult to know when to embrace the local culture and where to draw the line.  Sometimes these decisions are about relatively insignificant things - is it rude to show up late, or just plain crazy to show up on time?  But sometimes they are really difficult choices - if you have a student who is your best friend's sibling do you let them pass even if they didn't earn a good grade?  The obvious answer in the US would be "no," but that would easily be justified based on our code of ethics and a brief speech on integrity and preparing them for the future.  What if the culturally appropriate solution would be to let them pass, and you are a guest in another culture?  What if the culturally relevant interpretation of failing your friend's sibling would be that you don't care about them?  And sometimes these decisions have nothing to do with you, but rather how you interpret the culture that you are in - is it fair to judge someone who is cheating on their husband or wife if that is a culturally normal thing to do? 

The conclusion that I've come to is that rudeness and politeness and appropriateness, etc,, are all based on others' expectations.  If your friends don't expect you to actually show up on time, then it's not rude to show up late.  Time, aside from having a very scientific definition, also has a cultural one.  But what if your friend actually expects you to change their sibling's grade?  Maybe it's ok to sometimes let your cultural interpretation of "making the right choice" expand a little in another culture if you change a hard-earned D- to a C.  (And let's be real, that happens in the US too, not based as much on requests but more so on (subconscious?) biases.)  But if you're expected to change a slacker's F to an A, maybe it's ok to be culturally rude sometimes too.  And what if  couples in other cultures don't actually expect their partners to be faithful?  If monogamy is part of a foreign culture that was forced upon them it seems unfair to judge them for not following this custom.

And even within the US this happens.  A perfect example: the North and South and saying sir and ma'am.  Being from the North, sir and ma'am were not part of my everyday speech, but rather terms used when playing dress-up and pretending to be royalty.  These words had a connotation of extreme respect used only when addressing make-believe kings and queens, and people in the South just don't understand how out-of-place and socially awkward they are in the North.  But in the South, saying "Yes ma'am," is the equivalent of saying "yes, please," in the North.  It's simply an automatic, polite, affirmative response used whenever one might say "please" in the North, and has no association with extreme reverence or power. 

But for some reason, Northerners generally seem to regard the use of sir and ma'am as foolish Southern speak, and resent incorporating it into their vocabulary, and feel awkward if someone calls them those words.  Working in an elementary school in the South, I was constantly exposed to hearing people say ma'am and sir, and somehow this habit cracked its way into my everyday discourse.  When called out on this peculiarity by fellow non-Southerners, I decided this was a good opportunity for a sociolinguistic self-evaluation.  Why was I saying that and should I continue to let these pointlessly formal mini-words infiltrate my speech? 

The answer is YES, I should.  Because saying sir and ma'am is what you say in the South when you are a polite person.  And as an elementary teacher who is a role model for young children, I think it would be inappropriate NOT to model proper English language manners to my ESL students, and in the South that involves saying ma'am and sir.  In Mozambique politeness involved only giving and receiving objects with your right hand.  No matter how trivial or insignificant something might seem, if I can choose between being polite and being neutral (or even unwittingly rude) in the community, it only makes sense to choose to be polite.